Lifestyle / Music

Witch House

By P Blood


I spent some time today looking up and exploring Witch House. It’s a term I’ve seen banded around on social media for a while. I got tired of looking at porn and didn’t have any work to do today, otherwise this would have never been written.

I didn’t have to spend too long figuring it all out, because frankly there isn’t much to it. Anyone claiming that there is history and evolution to this genre is a fucking moron and should be throat punched immediately to stop them from talking shit. I have reached the conclusion that it [Witch House] is utter shit. Not even ‘ironically’ shit either – which would have been just as annoying. At least if it was ironic, I could chalk it up as, “I’m too fucking old for this bullshit”. Frankly, doing anything to be ironic, is a waste of energy and reserved for those bored homogenised idiots that don’t know what irony actually is.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Witch House is essentially just audio trash and gothic visuals (triangles and crosses mostly). Hipsters use this as one of the many things they compete with one another on, as to who can act more superior in knowing the latest unimaginative 90’s sounding electronic ear rape or misappropriated Southern Hip Hop remixes for white girls who like to slut-dance in those sort of clubs where those things go on.

As far as I can tell, this is entirely an internet born genre of music. No actual people perform it anywhere and if they do, they do it badly. These tracks are best just downloaded and played to crowds of fawning sycophantic hipsters by those DJs who don’t use vinyl. It’s likely that these crowds will never be that big in number or diversity – how else is Witch House supposed to stay the genre of the young urbane internet sophisticates? These cool-as- fuck white kids who like to think they got a bit of ghetto rough under their disco glitter, who would probably shit their expensive imitation thrift shop finds if any person of colour – who didn’t walk and talk like them – showed up to the party and said hello. But they aren’t racists, because they listen to Trap.

If you like music, avoid Witch House. It isn’t music or even post-music. It will make you wish the human race had died before we reached a point of uselessness and boredom.



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